Thursday, December 29, 2011

Good or bad?

It's kind of the perfect question to ask yourself this time of year.
I mean we ask our kids before Christmas...
would Santa think you were good or bad this year?
In which I love the responses.

My fave so far by Ri was...
Momma, some days I was really really good.
Some days I wasn't so bad...I mean I was bad.
But Jesus forgives us, right momma?

Yes, Love...Jesus forgives us.

I've asked myself this same question a few times in the last couple days.
Good or bad?
This year that is.
So much has happened but I will sum it up like this.
The good shines through the bad.
My heart is different.
That is the good.
I don't think I would be in this place without all the events of the past year.
It is a peace that surpasses understanding.
Mamaw Norma and sweetLove wrote special notes for Mamaw Debbie and Mamaw E and we let them loose

It encompasses sadness.
Which I feel often.
But the sadness has not overshadowed all that is good.
I am sad for my family.
We experienced a devastating loss.
Almost a year later and it is sometimes still so unimaginable, so unreal.
But sadness affixed to peace is much more bearable.
I spoke at my moms funeral.
I spoke of how she loved people, her kids, her husband.
But most important she loved God.
And that is the good about this sadness.
I think of heaven often.
I wonder what it is like for her.
Some days I am thankful she is there.
Life is hard...and she fought hard for it.
She fought so hard for us.
To know she is at rest and in a place of immeasurable beauty.
Well...if you think of it that way and you know it in your heart to be true
it is a sweet escape from human sorrow.

Our littleLover has challenged every part of my being.
Good or bad?
An honest answer would be both.
Some days were just bad.
Like the day I watched his heart rate drop on a little monitor and heard the distress call 
from a nurse for an emergency team.
His little body limp as they worked him.
I remember clearly telling God I trusted him.
Fear creeping in.
Thinking there is no way that God would take my baby from me 3 weeks after taking my mom.
But He could have...
I tucked him into his own bed 3 nights later.
Undeserved mercy and grace.
It seems we would walk through one battle with him and another was around the corner.
Goodness came on Father's Day when our sweet boy took off walking.
When we started communicating to him through sign language.
I felt relief and a sense of confidence that all would be fine regardless.
Hard decisions.
A second attempt for an implant has been nothing short of a success.
But his spirit.
That is an unexplainable gift!

Their faces as they watched the balloons drift closer to their angels.

A little girl who has felt loss through death.
Not once, but twice.
I'll never forget on Mother's Day sitting at the bottom of the stairs listening to
sweetLove cry for her mamaw Debbie.
I cried like a baby knowing I could not make my way up to get her.
When I heard her through tears say...
"I'll never get to sit on her lap ever again."
I walked out of the house.
I let her be, well because there was really nothing I could say.
But her tears have now turned into sweet smiles.
She dreams about her often.
And shares them.
She will sometimes take pictures of all of us and let me know she is going to send them to her mamaw's because they probably miss us and would like to see us.
She has a smile that will turn grey skies blue.
And she uses it on me often.
We often make trades for things like extra treats...going on a walk...
they sound like this

 momma, can I have a cookie...only if I can squeeze your toosh...why do you like to squeeze my toosh...because it is perfect and I just like to...ok momma!

She will then walk up to me, turn around...stick out her booty and I squeeze that perfect,
muscular toosh of hers!
It really is quite least we think so.
And yes, I follow through on my end and get her a cookie.

I think God has been refining me.
I needed it.
To fully grasp who and what He is.
So I guess if you were to make me choose...
Good or bad?
I would say
It has been a really good year.

I think Santa agreed...

It was a great Christmas.
No traveling which I can tell you was a gift in itself.

I always have a favorite Christmas picture...
this year, this one grabbed my heart!
A little payback!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

1 comment:

  1. Loved this post. I'm so thankful for what God is doing in your heart, and that you're letting him do it! I love you to pieces and am super thankful for your friendship. Thanks for sharing your heart!