Wednesday, June 15, 2011

...the outside or inside?

I've been wanting to write down, 
record for my own memory the past 5 weeks.
Days filled with roller coaster emotions.

I am thankful for phone calls, texts, emails from friends and family.
I have heard from so many people...
"Sara, I am amazed at your seems so grounded, in control...
with everything you have been through...I just don't see how you are doing it..."

I am thankful for these words
for people that care enough for me and are in some way inspired by our circumstance...

But, my response is never a smile and a thank you...
Those words eventually escape...
But, I am quick to let them know I am not strong.

On the outside things look good.
The inside is another story.

If I were to tell them the truth it would sound a little something like this...
I don't sleep.
2 hours a night at best.
I don't eat.
I drink Chai tea for breakfast and usually eat dinner.
It's swim suit season...I've heard the compliments of how good I look.
I haven't worked out for almost 7 months.
I am unhealthy.
I don't cry often.
I could probably fill a small pool with tears.

You see...
you can package the outside to look good.
You've seen the pictures...
coordinated clothes...
heads cocked just right...
perfect smiles...
compliments of how beautiful your family is.

I'm not one for pretending.
I'm a lot like my mom in that way...
That is why I respond the way I do to these compliments and pieces of encouragement.
My intentions are not to deceive others.
I'm lost somewhere in the midst of grief...
but I am still fully aware that I don't want others to think I am something I'm not.

Everyday that passes, I miss her more.
I have quickly forgotten how sick she was and what the battle she fought looked like.
I miss her voice and our talks.
I miss her love and passion for our family.
I wrote in my journal one night that I don't even want to know the "why" behind it all.
Because it wouldn't matter.
I would still want her back.

Here is another piece of truth.
The last week has been better!

I finally quit talking to God...

my final words sounded like this...
Jesus I'm done, my strength is gone.

I had made up my mind that I was through walking the maze of our littleLovers situation...
I was quitting.

In the midst of the last 5 weeks we had consulted 3 different doctors, 2 of which are in the same practice.
They are not in agreement with each other.
His AV therapist and audiologist are also not in total agreement with the doctors, 
wether it be just one or all of them.
More diagnosis...different audiologic reports...blah, blah, blah.
The only thing that mattered to me...
there was something going on with my little boy.
He was different.
He was unhappy.

I didn't tell anybody about this last conversation...
but I did wake up the next morning to this devotional in my inbox.

I have two fears concerning my littleLover...
1.  We decide not to proceed with the cochlear implant and he later asks me...
"momma, why didn't you try?"
2.  I miss His voice.  We make the wrong decision.
I want clear cut direction from God.

Where our strength ends is the exact point where His will begin.

I do think God uses circumstances to get your attention.
Some disagree...why would a God that loves you bring you pain?
My answer...
Because sometimes that is the only way he can get your attention.
I've never really understood the Holy Spirit.
Always wanted to...
to genuinely feel Him.
I can now say I have.
There is a new calmness in my soul.
It is unexplainable, but I know it's Him.
Our circumstances haven't changed...
my mom is still gone, things are still up in the air with our littleLover.
But, on the inside I have found peace.

I decided to commit five promises from God to my heart every week.
While researching this I came across this website
I looked around a bit and decided I would go back to February 26, 2011.
The day my mom left us.

2 Corinthians 5:1
We know that our body, the tent we live in here on earth, will be destroyed.  But when that happens, God will have a house for us.  It will not be a house made by human hands; instead, it will be a home in heaven that will last forever.

It stormed here tonight.  
The thunder shook our house and I told sweetLove God just rolled a strike in heaven.
She responded..."momma, that's going to wake mamaw Debbie up!"

...if I could only explain to you how these clever comments from such a sweet little girl touch my soul!

1 comment:

  1. Sara, we're all in awe of you not only because you appear to be holding it together and keeping your faith, but also because you tell it like it is. You don't sugarcoat things, which is great because people need to hear the truth. Y'all have tons of people thinking and parying for you, and, yes, you're showing people what strength is in your own way. Now, go eat a cheeseburger for lunch and put some meat on those bones! :)